Fantasizing and then some.
So recently I have been thinking about the episode of How I Met Your Mother, that involves Marshall not being able to fantasize about anyone other than his wife. In order to have a fantasy about a woman other than his wife he has an elaborate fantasy about Lily (the wife) on her deathbed telling him that it is okay for him to be with other women after she is gone. So he goes through all this just to fantasize about other women without feeling guilty. My first though was “Come on if you are that worried she would be offended – I would be waaay more offended to learn that you fantasize about my death over you fantasizing about another woman!”
Okay, you can call me a goody goody but the idea of fantasizing about being with someone other than my partner kind of makes me feel guilty too. To be honest, if I am going to fantasize about anybody – my partner has got to be there. He gives me sexual fulfillment in a way that no one else can – making my fantasies a lot more fulfilling because I know what it’s like to be with him and feel him and it makes my fantasies more grounded in reality making them so much more to me. I love him so deeply I don’t feel that I need to think of anyone else but him. If I am going to fantasize about someone else, I would rather fantasize about someone else being with someone else. Two completely different people, which gives me my voyeuristic aspect – like watching an erotic movie. I mean, growing up to start with, I never was the type to fantasize about myself being with anyone. If I ever did feel the need to fantasize about myself with a certain person, it was always a big thing to me. I mean it rarely happened, I guess I never really met anyone that seemed to tap into my sexual energy so if I did it was a big thing.
Ever since I met my partner, I never really felt the need to look at anyone else. I am pretty darn sure that I never checked out another guy the second we started dating, it’s really weird but I just didn’t feel the need to. Sure, I can’t say that I’m perfect in that fact and that I have not done it at all, but I know for sure never in the sexually attracted to way. It makes it a little hard for me to relate to my friends sometimes. I went to my first male strip club for a friend’s bachlorette party last year, I had a friend say to me “Ooo, which guy do you want?” and I wanted to say “Ummm, the guy waiting at home for me….” – but I just stared at her blankly not knowing what to say. It’s just weird, like a switch turned on in my head that I can’t turn off. The thing is I’m happy, and I like that my partner and I can be open and be exclusive to each other sexually. It’s what we chose when we started dating, we chose to participate in our relationship monogamously. I mean, sure I joke that if he and I were to ever run into Zooey Deshanel, he might be able to have a chance for us to be with another woman – but when would that ever happen?
In the line of work that I am choosing to go into, I feel can not be so sexually adventurous anymore. I feel that if my partner and I were to ever go out to a sex club that I would have to wear a disguise. I mean, just because I want to do the job that I am working on my degree for so badly – I don’t want anything to get in the way and screw it up.
So…. for me some fantasies will have to remain fantasies.
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